Lasagne

So yesterday I went over to my friends house where we had lasagne and pizzas and garlic bread and cake. When we got there she just had pizza bases and toppings so I busied myself and made all the food and then dished out to everyone and I was the perfect hostess of someone else's dinner party. I could have easily just walked away without touching a mouthful of food, I'd already refused so much but then I was left alone with half a lasagne. I ate it. I don't know why. I never know why when I look back. I always think, I'm sure I could have stopped myself... but I can't. I physically can't. Anyway after that I pretty much just wanted to leave so I made my excuses half an hour later and said I had to work. When I came back to my room, after a creepy walk home, I wrote a very long list of reasons of why I didn't want to eat and I began to feel better but today I still failed.

Today started off well. I handed in a great assignment. I ate 109 calories for lunch then burnt off 500 calories at the gym. Then I was going to have just some turkey for tea - another 66 calories and be done with it. But I was late and they had run out of turkey and so I had a small tuna sandwich but because I'd got all anxious about it after preparing all day for what I was going to have that little thing inside me clicked and then the routine started. Walking hurriedly to tesco... buying as much food as I had money for... walking even hurriedly back... consuming a pot of half baked ice cream (after craving this stuff for a long time - it was a serious let down - I really should just stick to the binge food I know), 5 doughnuts and a pack of 24 jaffa cakes... cleaning up the sink in my room.

Lying on my floor feeling like shit and promising myself this would never ever ever happen again.

But it will. I can't even make promises to myself any longer. I don't know how to change. I don't know how to go back to that girl three years ago who could just refuse point blank all food. Where did she go? Everyone loved her.

Anna