So I dropped 12 pounds in a week and a half and have been absolutely STARVING and holding off so well. I even baked for my sister's birthday yesterday and held away from even licking fingers. But then I went and had two fillings just out of the blue, when I was convinced my teeth were fine. I kept thinking 'ah shit' my teeth are falling apart what have I done and just vowing to carry on eating healthily for the rest of my life (by healthy I mean 300 calories of veg a day basically) and thinking next time I come to the dentist I'll be stick thin and getting so excited. Then my older sister arrived home with these fancy white chocolate chip mahoosive cookies. And I held off for so long I had a two dried apricots and was thinking 'I don't even want it anymore - I am just so strong' when suddenly I was left alone with them and I'd devoured one.
Now I know to me usually this is like nothing. But this morning I was up four pounds and feeling like it had all been for nothing. Especially as today is my little sister's birthday and there is going to be so much food and no healthy options at all. Please let me stay strong. I've got to go camping on Monday and I need my stomach to be flat from being starved even if I can't get my thighs to stop jiggling in that time.
Anna
Saturday 30 July 2011
Tuesday 19 July 2011
Melon
It has been just under a month since I last purged. I'm not going to think too much about anything but just keep fighting through until I don't even need to fight the urge anymore. I'm on holiday with my family at the moment in Italy and it is really hot here and I've been living off melon and reading. I just finished The Golden Notebook such a good book. In two weeks some of my uni friends (maybe including MM - this hasn't been confirmed) are coming up to north Wales to climb the peaks of snowdonia over 5 days and camping. Every time I think of it I feel sick to the stomach. I've gained so much weight and don't feel fit enough. The only other girl doing it is the thinest, fittest person I know.
I feel like a blob.
On the other hand I feel kind of proud of myself that I've organised to see people over the summer that I'm not 100% comfortable with i.e. not my best friend. I'm also going to wolverhampton next week to stay with a friend. All very social and in my ED head completely dangerous and scary.
The other day I saw a photo of myself at 12 years old. I don't look like a kid but a full grown woman and I was treated as such. I remember that I never acted like a kid but tried to be mature and sensible always. And now at nearly 19 I feel exactly the same only pretending to be mature and tough but really feeling as fragile and vunrable as a child. I don't know. When things started to go wrong for everybody I was close to and the guilt set in I couldn't cope with not being able to help and look after everybody. And so I gave up and concentrated on destroying myself.
Anna
I feel like a blob.
On the other hand I feel kind of proud of myself that I've organised to see people over the summer that I'm not 100% comfortable with i.e. not my best friend. I'm also going to wolverhampton next week to stay with a friend. All very social and in my ED head completely dangerous and scary.
The other day I saw a photo of myself at 12 years old. I don't look like a kid but a full grown woman and I was treated as such. I remember that I never acted like a kid but tried to be mature and sensible always. And now at nearly 19 I feel exactly the same only pretending to be mature and tough but really feeling as fragile and vunrable as a child. I don't know. When things started to go wrong for everybody I was close to and the guilt set in I couldn't cope with not being able to help and look after everybody. And so I gave up and concentrated on destroying myself.
Anna
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