Beautiful Things

I wish I was a beautiful thing. I wish my mind and body were pure and beautiful. Sometimes I don't. Sometimes I want to be harsh and hurtful towards myself as well as others. Sometimes I am a bitch but most of the time I try hard to please everyone around me. I act the 'cute little girl'- it comes with the height. I laugh and smile and let people do as they please. But sometimes I become cold and hard and hurt people.

I hurt K all the time. K is waiting for me to get better so that we can 'be together'. He is the kindest and most fun person I know. But sometimes I shout at him and hurt him and sleep around and let him know. And refuse to eat to show him that no amount of 'just fight it' is going to work on a 4 year old eating disorder. He can't do anything to make me eat or stop me b/ping and I like that.

I also hate it. I hate that he knows. I hate that he cares. I hate that I still do it and I'm hurting everyone around me. I hate that I'm scared of the scale. I hate that I'm still like this and can't move on.

I trust JJ so much that I explain things to him - not face to face obviously - in a way I've never done before. He never really says anything about my angry text messages expressing my total hatred of myself. He just tells me I'm awesome and that he loves me. It's so good that I found him as a friend in all the idiots that walk about the world. I'm scared I'm going to push him away or that something will become too much like with my housemates. I can't have that and so I need to get better for him.

But I still want need to be thin.

Everyone loves a skinny girl because they're in control of their mind and body. So I will be thin. Whatever it takes.

Anna x

Right Back to the Starting Line

It happens slowly then quickly. One minute you're just you. The next your home with your family and everyone is whispering about where all your fat has gone.'Is it time to worry yet?' They don't want to believe it is. Your mum gets angry because that's the only emotion she knows. She can't bare to look at you unless she's shouting. Meal times are agony and you're running out of inventive ideas of where to throw up afterwards. You still believe you can fool everyone.

It's horrible and all I want to do is go back to university where my housemates hate me and I'm failing but at least I could b/p in peace. It's really hard to continue pretending you're in control when it's taken away so suddenly and you realise you need it so much.

I miss JJ. And K. I just want to be hugged and never let go.

Relapse

I'm turning to the internet for help again...

For such a long time I was fine. But then since the beginning of February I've relapsed pretty badly. Everything seems to have gone wrong in my life (oh drama queen - it's not that bad). I'm failing my modules miserably. I got really bad grades last semester and I don't seem to be able to get on top of the work. My housemates I was meant to be living with next year told me the day we got accepted for a house - and where I got to university it's pretty impossible to find accommodation - that they'd decided they couldn't live with me next year because I'm too crazy and it was too hard on them. For me it seemed to come out of nowhere and since then everything seems to have been catching up with me. My other housemates who are going for their year abroad and were the ones I really liked are avoiding talking to me. I feel like everyone is turning their back on me and avoiding me and as I result I've stopped trusting all my friends.

Except this one guy - let's call him JJ - in the last few weeks he's become my closest friend. Right now he's the only person I trust and spend time with (I've become pretty scared of the world). He's the mirror image of me and we've been through a lot of the same stuff and dealt with it in a similar way (i.e. not dealt with it). He doesn't have an eating disorder though. He's gay. But this is where I get all confused. Last Monday night we got totally pissed together and we were saying how wonderful our friendship was because it was totally platonic. Then we were cuddling in his bed and I felt really safe. Then suddenly he wanted to take all my clothes off and have sex with me and we did. Now, I don't do well with sex especially when slightly demanded from my gay best friend who's at the moment the only person I trust and especially when I'm in the midst of my eating disorder.

He felt really bad the next morning. I don't want him to feel bad and we're meeting for coffee later today to hang out before the holidays start tomorrow (I'm off to Skye with the hillwalking club I'm now president of! Argh responsibility!) I just now feel so alone.

My housemates and (would have been) future housemates are pressuring me to go and get help for the whole eating disorder thing but JJ thinks they take everything too seriously and the way that they're acting is never going to get me better. The thing is in the last few weeks I've lost a shit load of weight and I know soon it will plateau but right now it's hard for me to ever want to get help when (as disgusting and horrible and everything that bulimia is) I REALLY REALLY WANT TO BE THIN. There's nothing much else I want anymore. Just to be thin and to disappear.

Anna x