Sticky Toffee Pudding

I really should write here more just as a way of telling people who understand or just the abyss how I feel.

The only problem is I am a complete failure. All I do is binge and purge. That is basically my life. Oh and the odd bit of feeling suicidal and when I don't feel suicidal I'm scared of going back to feeling suicidal again and doing something rash and stupid. At this rate I'm going to be dead or I'm just going to fail my degree and then die. I don't really understand either. I have pretty good friends here at university and I go out and I socialise and I'm part of a committee (social rep - if there is anything more ridiculous ever than me being a social rep then please do share). I surround myself with good people and things that make me feel good like helping out with charities and blah blah and all that and yet I still feel so goddamn awful all the time.

The night before last I had to go to a dinner party thing, where we all sat around and had pizza and tortilla chips and sticky toffee pudding and lasagne and wine and cake and all manner of things. The guy I like sat next to me and I was forced to eat sticky toffee pudding next to him and feel like the biggest pig in the world. If I'd been alone I would have scoffed everything in sight but other than the pudding that I couldn't escape I had one crisp, a glass of wine and two satsumas. I then spent the whole evening feeling awkward and ugly, which I despise especially as I had been witty and cool and sociable and felt great with the same group of people just the evening before. I really wish food just didn't exist in any capacity and then I wouldn't have to avoid it or binge or purge or anything, I could just go around feeling comfortable with a group of great friends.

None of that probably made much sense. I haven't weighed myself in rather a long time and I'm finding it hard to even imagine fasting as I just know every few hours I'll want to shovel food down my throat. I really need a slap or someone to just to wake me up and remind me that I can fast I am capable of it, I don't need food and there is a point to life and this whole thing.

Anna

Apologies

I apologise for the total lack of posts. It's mostly because I've had exams and then went to Berlin for a week and then to cardiff for a few days to visit a friend from home who's at uni there. I felt the exams went awful but I got the results yesterday and I got what I needed to stay on the course. Of course I'm disappointed but I would be with anything less than 100%. Berlin was fantastic but I suddenly found myself spending 24/7 with four girls, who are great friends I've made since starting uni and this led to me having to eat quite a lot to keep them happy which then led to me starting to purge again. It feels so unreal as though what happens in the toilet is completely cut off from the rest of my life and doesn't affect it and the bubbly person they see isn't the same girl who bends over the toilet.

I got back from Berlin on Monday evening and then travelled down to cardiff the next morning. I went to visit my best friend and pretty much only friend that I ever liked from school. She's also bulimic but purges a lot less than I do these days. We know each other inside out but we're a toxic mix when together. Anyway we pretty much didn't eat until Thursday when we went to an all you can eat buffet for lunch and ate fuck loads and of course I threw up.

I got drunk a lot in cardiff and acted like a complete slut pulling four people one of which was 33 but not as you might imagine a complete sleazebag. I also fell over on the last night and my left arm has a huge bruise all the way along my lower arm. I also locked myself in the bathroom and cut my arm while drunk. Stupid thing to do.

Now I'm back at halls in university back in my b/p habits and too scared to weigh myself. My goals totally need to be rewritten as well. Thanks to those who are following its great to know people are reading this but don't expect too much motivation from me as I tend to fail everything.

Anna