Binges

It is not going well.

So Tuesday evening I went out to the committee meeting and then to the pub. There were three guys there that I am good friends with, one is the guy I seem to have gained a majorly-high-school-sih crush on but I flirted instead with the other two. Because that makes sense. I feel like the guy I like - let's call him MM - hates me. I know deep down this isn't true because he's really nice to me but my paranoid mind seems to just point out my flaws whenever I'm with him, making me feel like shit and making me feel like this must be because he hates me. Does that make sense? Basically the nicer he is to me the more I like him and then the more my mind makes me feel he hates me. So I flirt with everyone else to make him jealous and to show him what he's missing out on (by hating me, which he (probably) doesn't).

Anyway I came home when the pub closed and the urge to binge just kicked in, even though I'd had a lovely, happy time (except for the weird paranoia). I went to the kitchen at 1am to cook some pasta and saw that someone had left left-over pancakes in the fridge, with a label saying 'Anyone want one?', needless to say I ate them all and then my pasta. I then promised myself not to eat for two and a half days until the social I'm organising on Friday.

So Wednesday, I had a really productive day and I went to the gym and burnt off 700 calories and ate nothing. When I came home from the gym it was around 8pm and I felt really good and happy and then something changed. It clicked. I fought the urge for a long time but then I popped to the shops and bought chocolate muffins, heaps of crisps and some chocolate digestives. I got the biggest headache after throwing up, like I used to get when I first threw up.

This morning I still had half a pack of chocolate digestives and one and a half muffins left so after my first lecture of the day I binged and then missed my second lecture because I was throwing up. I guess the binge today was inevitable as I had food left over and better to get it over and done with right? No, I still feel like eating today. I can't even commit to the idea of not eating again.

What I would really like would just be to curl up in my bed and not face the world for a few days or just lock up all the food in the world so I didn't have to worry about not eating it, it just wouldn't exist. Tomorrow I have organised a social at a cafe with the most beautiful cup cakes in the world and the best hot chocolate and he - MM is going to be there and I am just stressed as this is the first social I've organised for the society and clever me it involves food.

Sorry for the shittyness and length of this post. I will try to beat this as motivation for you? I am running out of ways to motivate myself and maybe some responsibility would help. I swear to you a few years ago I was the only person I knew who could diet/fast successfully and I just couldn't understand other people and why they 'gave in'. Look at me now I guess I got my comeuppance.

Anna

ps. Thank you for the comments btw it's lovely to know there are people who really understand. I feel awfully alone most of the time.