Melon

It has been just under a month since I last purged. I'm not going to think too much about anything but just keep fighting through until I don't even need to fight the urge anymore. I'm on holiday with my family at the moment in Italy and it is really hot here and I've been living off melon and reading. I just finished The Golden Notebook such a good book. In two weeks some of my uni friends (maybe including MM - this hasn't been confirmed) are coming up to north Wales to climb the peaks of snowdonia over 5 days and camping. Every time I think of it I feel sick to the stomach. I've gained so much weight and don't feel fit enough. The only other girl doing it is the thinest, fittest person I know.

I feel like a blob.

On the other hand I feel kind of proud of myself that I've organised to see people over the summer that I'm not 100% comfortable with i.e. not my best friend. I'm also going to wolverhampton next week to stay with a friend. All very social and in my ED head completely dangerous and scary.

The other day I saw a photo of myself at 12 years old. I don't look like a kid but a full grown woman and I was treated as such. I remember that I never acted like a kid but tried to be mature and sensible always. And now at nearly 19 I feel exactly the same only pretending to be mature and tough but really feeling as fragile and vunrable as a child. I don't know. When things started to go wrong for everybody I was close to and the guilt set in I couldn't cope with not being able to help and look after everybody. And so I gave up and concentrated on destroying myself.

Anna