Four Days In

I've been home four days. I've kept myself busy jogging two miles each morning, spending time at the beach, seeing family. I didn't binge and I was doing well eating around 300 calories a day. Then today I just broke. I'd had a 160 calorie salad for lunch made up of a little chicken smothered in spices, cooked in foil with chopped up tomatoes, salad leaves, cucumber and a tiny amount of potato. I'd had two rhubarb and custard boiled sweets - 58 calories. I was at 218 calories for the day and not having tea. Then I made a batch of pasta sauce to put in the freezer for my mother. I make a fantastic pasta sauce. And then I just made a whole heap of pasta and then just had bowl after bowl. Simple as could be without thinking at all. It didn't feel like I was doing it. I didn't have the internal argument about the pros and cons of binging and then the internal dialogue during the binge of 'oh god oh god I want to die what am I doing to myself?' I just ate and ate. And then went for a shower and purged and purged until my throat felt raw.

So that was my first slip up this holiday. Otherwise being back is setting me straight back into the 'I hate me' ways of thinking. Although at uni I feel loathsomely ugly when I came back I got this wave of just pathetic-ness, isolation and the feeling of having no real friends at all (and why should I have any? (although I did have friends at school)). And it gave me a shock to realise just how far my self esteem has grown by being at uni. I can't decide if it's because I've been away from my mother or away from school.

Either way I am determined to not turn to bulimia but to restricting. This summer I am going to sit in the garden in the bright sunshine, reading and being sophisticated and never eating at all except the odd grape or tomato.

Anna