Sticky Toffee Pudding

I really should write here more just as a way of telling people who understand or just the abyss how I feel.

The only problem is I am a complete failure. All I do is binge and purge. That is basically my life. Oh and the odd bit of feeling suicidal and when I don't feel suicidal I'm scared of going back to feeling suicidal again and doing something rash and stupid. At this rate I'm going to be dead or I'm just going to fail my degree and then die. I don't really understand either. I have pretty good friends here at university and I go out and I socialise and I'm part of a committee (social rep - if there is anything more ridiculous ever than me being a social rep then please do share). I surround myself with good people and things that make me feel good like helping out with charities and blah blah and all that and yet I still feel so goddamn awful all the time.

The night before last I had to go to a dinner party thing, where we all sat around and had pizza and tortilla chips and sticky toffee pudding and lasagne and wine and cake and all manner of things. The guy I like sat next to me and I was forced to eat sticky toffee pudding next to him and feel like the biggest pig in the world. If I'd been alone I would have scoffed everything in sight but other than the pudding that I couldn't escape I had one crisp, a glass of wine and two satsumas. I then spent the whole evening feeling awkward and ugly, which I despise especially as I had been witty and cool and sociable and felt great with the same group of people just the evening before. I really wish food just didn't exist in any capacity and then I wouldn't have to avoid it or binge or purge or anything, I could just go around feeling comfortable with a group of great friends.

None of that probably made much sense. I haven't weighed myself in rather a long time and I'm finding it hard to even imagine fasting as I just know every few hours I'll want to shovel food down my throat. I really need a slap or someone to just to wake me up and remind me that I can fast I am capable of it, I don't need food and there is a point to life and this whole thing.

Anna