Beautiful Things

I wish I was a beautiful thing. I wish my mind and body were pure and beautiful. Sometimes I don't. Sometimes I want to be harsh and hurtful towards myself as well as others. Sometimes I am a bitch but most of the time I try hard to please everyone around me. I act the 'cute little girl'- it comes with the height. I laugh and smile and let people do as they please. But sometimes I become cold and hard and hurt people.

I hurt K all the time. K is waiting for me to get better so that we can 'be together'. He is the kindest and most fun person I know. But sometimes I shout at him and hurt him and sleep around and let him know. And refuse to eat to show him that no amount of 'just fight it' is going to work on a 4 year old eating disorder. He can't do anything to make me eat or stop me b/ping and I like that.

I also hate it. I hate that he knows. I hate that he cares. I hate that I still do it and I'm hurting everyone around me. I hate that I'm scared of the scale. I hate that I'm still like this and can't move on.

I trust JJ so much that I explain things to him - not face to face obviously - in a way I've never done before. He never really says anything about my angry text messages expressing my total hatred of myself. He just tells me I'm awesome and that he loves me. It's so good that I found him as a friend in all the idiots that walk about the world. I'm scared I'm going to push him away or that something will become too much like with my housemates. I can't have that and so I need to get better for him.

But I still want need to be thin.

Everyone loves a skinny girl because they're in control of their mind and body. So I will be thin. Whatever it takes.

Anna x