It's sunny here. Sunny and cold but the weather cheers me up. I feel very happy this morning though my b/p'ing is still going on as bad as ever. And my work is going badly. And my friends aren't too happy with me. And although I am becoming increasingly closer to MM he is too shy and me too awkward for anything to ever happen. I just feel content this morning. It won't last, I'm not sure if it's even real.
Yesterday I went to the weekly committee meeting after a long day's hard work (of labs going horribly wrong and having to be redone a million times). And then to the pub and I was the most social, fun person there could have been, putting people at their ease and all, asking questions about their interests that I don't give a damn about. I am nice to so many people that I don't care about but I get nothing in return. And it makes me want to scream and shout. I want them to notice that I'm not okay. I want them to be kind and caring and look after me the way I do to them.
But not today, today the sun is out and I'm going to enjoy a few moments of inner peace (because I'm already contemplating missing my morning lectures to buy some binge food... but let's just ignore those feelings).
One day I am going to be so perfect. I'll be the girl you can love.
Anna
Wednesday, 16 March 2011
Thursday, 10 March 2011
Binges
It is not going well.
So Tuesday evening I went out to the committee meeting and then to the pub. There were three guys there that I am good friends with, one is the guy I seem to have gained a majorly-high-school-sih crush on but I flirted instead with the other two. Because that makes sense. I feel like the guy I like - let's call him MM - hates me. I know deep down this isn't true because he's really nice to me but my paranoid mind seems to just point out my flaws whenever I'm with him, making me feel like shit and making me feel like this must be because he hates me. Does that make sense? Basically the nicer he is to me the more I like him and then the more my mind makes me feel he hates me. So I flirt with everyone else to make him jealous and to show him what he's missing out on (by hating me, which he (probably) doesn't).
Anyway I came home when the pub closed and the urge to binge just kicked in, even though I'd had a lovely, happy time (except for the weird paranoia). I went to the kitchen at 1am to cook some pasta and saw that someone had left left-over pancakes in the fridge, with a label saying 'Anyone want one?', needless to say I ate them all and then my pasta. I then promised myself not to eat for two and a half days until the social I'm organising on Friday.
So Wednesday, I had a really productive day and I went to the gym and burnt off 700 calories and ate nothing. When I came home from the gym it was around 8pm and I felt really good and happy and then something changed. It clicked. I fought the urge for a long time but then I popped to the shops and bought chocolate muffins, heaps of crisps and some chocolate digestives. I got the biggest headache after throwing up, like I used to get when I first threw up.
This morning I still had half a pack of chocolate digestives and one and a half muffins left so after my first lecture of the day I binged and then missed my second lecture because I was throwing up. I guess the binge today was inevitable as I had food left over and better to get it over and done with right? No, I still feel like eating today. I can't even commit to the idea of not eating again.
What I would really like would just be to curl up in my bed and not face the world for a few days or just lock up all the food in the world so I didn't have to worry about not eating it, it just wouldn't exist. Tomorrow I have organised a social at a cafe with the most beautiful cup cakes in the world and the best hot chocolate and he - MM is going to be there and I am just stressed as this is the first social I've organised for the society and clever me it involves food.
Sorry for the shittyness and length of this post. I will try to beat this as motivation for you? I am running out of ways to motivate myself and maybe some responsibility would help. I swear to you a few years ago I was the only person I knew who could diet/fast successfully and I just couldn't understand other people and why they 'gave in'. Look at me now I guess I got my comeuppance.
Anna
ps. Thank you for the comments btw it's lovely to know there are people who really understand. I feel awfully alone most of the time.
So Tuesday evening I went out to the committee meeting and then to the pub. There were three guys there that I am good friends with, one is the guy I seem to have gained a majorly-high-school-sih crush on but I flirted instead with the other two. Because that makes sense. I feel like the guy I like - let's call him MM - hates me. I know deep down this isn't true because he's really nice to me but my paranoid mind seems to just point out my flaws whenever I'm with him, making me feel like shit and making me feel like this must be because he hates me. Does that make sense? Basically the nicer he is to me the more I like him and then the more my mind makes me feel he hates me. So I flirt with everyone else to make him jealous and to show him what he's missing out on (by hating me, which he (probably) doesn't).
Anyway I came home when the pub closed and the urge to binge just kicked in, even though I'd had a lovely, happy time (except for the weird paranoia). I went to the kitchen at 1am to cook some pasta and saw that someone had left left-over pancakes in the fridge, with a label saying 'Anyone want one?', needless to say I ate them all and then my pasta. I then promised myself not to eat for two and a half days until the social I'm organising on Friday.
So Wednesday, I had a really productive day and I went to the gym and burnt off 700 calories and ate nothing. When I came home from the gym it was around 8pm and I felt really good and happy and then something changed. It clicked. I fought the urge for a long time but then I popped to the shops and bought chocolate muffins, heaps of crisps and some chocolate digestives. I got the biggest headache after throwing up, like I used to get when I first threw up.
This morning I still had half a pack of chocolate digestives and one and a half muffins left so after my first lecture of the day I binged and then missed my second lecture because I was throwing up. I guess the binge today was inevitable as I had food left over and better to get it over and done with right? No, I still feel like eating today. I can't even commit to the idea of not eating again.
What I would really like would just be to curl up in my bed and not face the world for a few days or just lock up all the food in the world so I didn't have to worry about not eating it, it just wouldn't exist. Tomorrow I have organised a social at a cafe with the most beautiful cup cakes in the world and the best hot chocolate and he - MM is going to be there and I am just stressed as this is the first social I've organised for the society and clever me it involves food.
Sorry for the shittyness and length of this post. I will try to beat this as motivation for you? I am running out of ways to motivate myself and maybe some responsibility would help. I swear to you a few years ago I was the only person I knew who could diet/fast successfully and I just couldn't understand other people and why they 'gave in'. Look at me now I guess I got my comeuppance.
Anna
ps. Thank you for the comments btw it's lovely to know there are people who really understand. I feel awfully alone most of the time.
Tuesday, 8 March 2011
Doughnuts and Cookie Dough
I want to binge. I want to binge. I want to binge. I want to binge.
I have already thrown up twice today once after eating four jaffa cakes and then again after eating a small portion of curly fries (it seemed small to me but then again do I actually know what a normal amount of food is any longer?). That is all I have had today apart from a portion of salad for tea. Neither of these were binges in any capacity. It was just food that went in and then came out.
And now I really want to eat doughnuts and cookie dough and macdonalds burgers and chicken nuggets and pain aux raisins but I can't. I can't. I can't.
Or could I? NO.
I won't. I won't. I won't.
I have to go to a meeting and then I'll go to the pub and socialise and then I will come home and do some work for tomorrow and then I will go to bed. Then I will get up tomorrow morning and not eat all day.
I DO NOT NEED FOOD.
Anna
I have already thrown up twice today once after eating four jaffa cakes and then again after eating a small portion of curly fries (it seemed small to me but then again do I actually know what a normal amount of food is any longer?). That is all I have had today apart from a portion of salad for tea. Neither of these were binges in any capacity. It was just food that went in and then came out.
And now I really want to eat doughnuts and cookie dough and macdonalds burgers and chicken nuggets and pain aux raisins but I can't. I can't. I can't.
Or could I? NO.
I won't. I won't. I won't.
I have to go to a meeting and then I'll go to the pub and socialise and then I will come home and do some work for tomorrow and then I will go to bed. Then I will get up tomorrow morning and not eat all day.
I DO NOT NEED FOOD.
Anna
Monday, 7 March 2011
Lasagne
So yesterday I went over to my friends house where we had lasagne and pizzas and garlic bread and cake. When we got there she just had pizza bases and toppings so I busied myself and made all the food and then dished out to everyone and I was the perfect hostess of someone else's dinner party. I could have easily just walked away without touching a mouthful of food, I'd already refused so much but then I was left alone with half a lasagne. I ate it. I don't know why. I never know why when I look back. I always think, I'm sure I could have stopped myself... but I can't. I physically can't. Anyway after that I pretty much just wanted to leave so I made my excuses half an hour later and said I had to work. When I came back to my room, after a creepy walk home, I wrote a very long list of reasons of why I didn't want to eat and I began to feel better but today I still failed.
Today started off well. I handed in a great assignment. I ate 109 calories for lunch then burnt off 500 calories at the gym. Then I was going to have just some turkey for tea - another 66 calories and be done with it. But I was late and they had run out of turkey and so I had a small tuna sandwich but because I'd got all anxious about it after preparing all day for what I was going to have that little thing inside me clicked and then the routine started. Walking hurriedly to tesco... buying as much food as I had money for... walking even hurriedly back... consuming a pot of half baked ice cream (after craving this stuff for a long time - it was a serious let down - I really should just stick to the binge food I know), 5 doughnuts and a pack of 24 jaffa cakes... cleaning up the sink in my room.
Lying on my floor feeling like shit and promising myself this would never ever ever happen again.
But it will. I can't even make promises to myself any longer. I don't know how to change. I don't know how to go back to that girl three years ago who could just refuse point blank all food. Where did she go? Everyone loved her.
Anna
Today started off well. I handed in a great assignment. I ate 109 calories for lunch then burnt off 500 calories at the gym. Then I was going to have just some turkey for tea - another 66 calories and be done with it. But I was late and they had run out of turkey and so I had a small tuna sandwich but because I'd got all anxious about it after preparing all day for what I was going to have that little thing inside me clicked and then the routine started. Walking hurriedly to tesco... buying as much food as I had money for... walking even hurriedly back... consuming a pot of half baked ice cream (after craving this stuff for a long time - it was a serious let down - I really should just stick to the binge food I know), 5 doughnuts and a pack of 24 jaffa cakes... cleaning up the sink in my room.
Lying on my floor feeling like shit and promising myself this would never ever ever happen again.
But it will. I can't even make promises to myself any longer. I don't know how to change. I don't know how to go back to that girl three years ago who could just refuse point blank all food. Where did she go? Everyone loved her.
Anna
Sunday, 6 March 2011
Love Yourself and Starve
Things are changing.
I'm giving myself three weeks (until I go to Skye for the weekend) to drop as much as weight as possible following these rules:
- Burn at least 300 calories/day in the gym
- Eat no more than 400 calories/day
- Absolutely no binging or purging
- Only eat vegetables. fruit and small amounts of fish and turkey
- Drink obscene amounts of water
- Be FUCKING awesome
I'm not going to break. (Okay there is a very strong possibility that I'll be binging and purging before long but right now I feel pumped.)
Today so far:
Eaten:
-two slices of turkey - 66 calories
-some cucumber and lettuce - 25
-an apple - 43
Burnt:
rowing machine - 100
cycling machine - 200
treadmill - 50
Total: 134 - 350 = -216
Tonight we are going over to someone's house for pizzas but I think I can quite easily lie my way out of it as long as I stay STRONG, which I will.
I CAN DO THIS! Who's with me?
Anna x
(Also, life is going up and down so much that I feel sick from the ride)
I'm giving myself three weeks (until I go to Skye for the weekend) to drop as much as weight as possible following these rules:
- Burn at least 300 calories/day in the gym
- Eat no more than 400 calories/day
- Absolutely no binging or purging
- Only eat vegetables. fruit and small amounts of fish and turkey
- Drink obscene amounts of water
- Be FUCKING awesome
I'm not going to break. (Okay there is a very strong possibility that I'll be binging and purging before long but right now I feel pumped.)
Today so far:
Eaten:
-two slices of turkey - 66 calories
-some cucumber and lettuce - 25
-an apple - 43
Burnt:
rowing machine - 100
cycling machine - 200
treadmill - 50
Total: 134 - 350 = -216
Tonight we are going over to someone's house for pizzas but I think I can quite easily lie my way out of it as long as I stay STRONG, which I will.
I CAN DO THIS! Who's with me?
Anna x
(Also, life is going up and down so much that I feel sick from the ride)
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